A lot of people look forward to coming home for the holidays, reconnecting with family and old friends, and enjoying holiday traditions. But sometimes things don’t go according to plan. This can be particularly true if you’re visiting an aging parent.

If you live out of town, your parent may sound fine when you talk with them over the phone. But when you finally see them in person during the holidays, you may notice that they could use a little extra support.

Here are some signs to watch for:

Decline in personal hygiene (unkempt appearance, unchanged clothes, body odour).
Noticeable weight changes or signs they’re not eating well (spoiled food, empty fridge).
Mobility or balance issues (unsteady walking, new bruises, difficulty getting up).
Changes in the home environment (unusual clutter, unpaid bills, safety hazards).
Memory lapses or confusion , you don’t hear over the phone (repeating questions, misplacing items).
Withdrawal or loneliness (loss of interest in activities, little contact with friends).
Medication or health management problems (mixed-up pills, missed appointments).

Two Perspectives to Keep in Mind

As we age, many of us tend not to talk about our health issues with our adult kids. There are several possible reasons for this. We may not want to worry them, given that they have busy lives of their own. We may be concerned they’ll overreact. Or we may simply not want to admit that there’s anything wrong with us. Sometimes social stigma makes it harder to ask for help.

First and foremost, we want to continue to be in control of our lives. And we don’t want someone else telling us what to do, least of all one of our kids.

On the flip side, as an adult child, my primary concern is likely for my parent’s safety and well-being. I may feel hurt, annoyed, or concerned that they’ve been keeping things from me. Or I may even feel guilty that I didn’t pick up on issues earlier. If they’re not addressing things themselves, I may start to worry about their judgement and feel the need to step in.

Needless to say, this can set up a clash of wills.

Pause and Take a Breath

If you’ve come home for the holidays and found your parent struggling, it’s important to step back and take a deep breath.

First of all, cut yourself some slack. If you live out of town, you likely had relatively few clues to tell you there was something amiss with your aging parent until you saw them. Remember, you’re not the first person to find yourself in this situation.

Second, resist the temptation to take over. Chances are, this will be met with resistance. Recognize that your main concern is likely your parent’s safety and well-being while theirs is their autonomy. You’ll need to bridge the gap.

How to Start the Conversation with Care

Let’s say you’re concerned that your parent is socially isolated. This only truly came to light when you visited them at home. You see that the holidays aren’t bringing them the same joy, and you’re worried they’re lonely living on their own.

You want to have a conversation about this with them, but you don’t want them to feel like you’re taking over or telling them what to do. Here are some lines you can use (or adapt) to gently raise your concerns without sounding accusatory or backing them into a corner.

Opening the conversation (soft, non-intrusive)

“I’ve been thinking about how you’re doing day to day, and I might be off here — could we talk for a minute?”
“I care about you, and I want to check in. How have things been feeling lately in terms of company and connection?”
“I’d love to hear how you’ve been finding your days. What’s it been like for you recently?”

Sharing observations gently (Neutral, concrete, not “You seem lonely”)

“It seems like you’ve been spending more time at home than usual. How has that been for you?”
“I noticed you mentioned not seeing many people lately. Is that something that bothers you or is it okay for now?”
“It sounded like you weren’t getting out as much this month. I’m curious how you’re feeling about that.”

Inviting them to share their perspective

“What’s your experience been with staying connected to people these days?”
“Do you feel like you have enough company, or would you like more?”
“Who have you been chatting with or spending time with lately?”
“Are there times when you wish you had more people around?”
“What parts of your week feel meaningful or enjoyable?”

Active-listening responses (Helps them feel heard rather than “assessed.”)

“I hear you — it makes sense you’d feel that way.”
“It sounds like you’re missing some of the social things you used to enjoy. Did I get that right?”
“Thanks for telling me that. I appreciate you being open.”
“You’re saying it’s not the loneliness so much as the lack of things to look forward to — is that right?”

Gently expressing concern without pressure

“I just want to make sure you’re feeling connected and supported. You matter to me.”
“I worry sometimes that you might feel a bit isolated, and I wanted to check in with you about how it feels from your side.”
“Feeling connected to people is important for all of us, and I want to help make sure you have what you need.”
“I’m not here to push anything — I’d just feel better hearing how you’re experiencing things.”

Collaborative exploration of possibilities (These lines respect their autonomy and preferences.)

“What kinds of social things — if any — would feel good to you right now?”
“Are there people you’d like to reconnect with if it were easier?”
“Is there something you used to enjoy that you might want to try again, even just once?”
“If you wanted more company, what would that look like in a way that feels comfortable for you?”
“Would you be open to us brainstorming together? Not deciding anything — just talking through ideas.”

Offering support while keeping them in the driver’s seat

“If there’s anything I can do to help you stay connected, just let me know. I’ll follow your lead.”
“We can try something small if you want, and if it doesn’t feel right, we can stop. No pressure.”
“You get to decide what feels right — I’m here to support whatever you choose.”
“Let’s take it one step at a time. We don’t have to overhaul anything.”

Closing on a warm, relationship-focused note

“Thanks for talking about this with me — it means a lot.”
“I really enjoy our conversations and time together. Let’s keep checking in with each other.”
“If you ever want more company, I’m here — and not just for serious talks.”

Exploring Options Together

Some of the options you might explore to combat loneliness could include things like joining a local club, attending an active living program, reconnecting with friends or neighbours, finding a volunteer visitor, or arranging companionship through Care Possible and finding a trusted care provider.

Summing up

It can be a surprise when you return home for the holidays and realize your aging parent may need more support. We believe the best approach is one that respects independence while offering practical solutions. Using these conversation techniques can help you protect their well-being without compromising their dignity.

About Care Possible

Care Possible is a non-profit social enterprise by Manitoba Possible, dedicated to providing affordable, flexible, and preference-based in-home and respite care services. We support seniors, individuals with disabilities, and families using self and family-managed care in Winnipeg. Our mission is to ensure that every Manitoban who accesses care has an excellent experience.

Home for the Holidays? Here’s how to Support an Aging Parent with Care and Compassion