Caring for a spouse with dementia
When your spouse is diagnosed with dementia, it can turn your world upside down. Whether the diagnosis was a shock to you or not, you’re likely dreading what lies ahead. You’re probably uncertain how the two of you will cope as the disease progresses. It’s only natural.
Chances are you’re experiencing a form of grief right now. You may feel that you’re slowly losing the person you married as their memory and communication skills diminish and their personality changes. But because that person is still present in your life, it’s a kind of anticipatory grief. An ambiguous loss.
How your relationship changes
Dementia reshapes a marriage by slowly shifting it from a partnership of equals into a relationship defined by caregiving, where shared memories, roles, and conversations begin to fade. As one spouse changes, the other often grieves the loss of the person they once knew while still caring for the one who remains.
This transformation can be deeply isolating, as the caregiver’s world narrows around responsibility and vigilance, leaving little room for companionship or outside connection. Even when surrounded by others, caregivers may feel profoundly lonely, carrying emotional burdens that are difficult to share or fully understand.
How to prepare yourself
One way to prepare yourself for what’s to come is to arm yourself with knowledge. Learn more about dementia, not just how it will affect your spouse, but how you can cope as a caregiver.
In Canada, the Alzheimer Society is a good source of education and counselling in this regard. Many local and provincial Societies run group sessions that give you an opportunity to connect with other caregiver spouses (also known as “care partners”) who face the same challenges. This can help you feel less isolated.
Why you may hesitate to seek help
Let’s be real, though. You may hesitate to reach out for help at first, and there may be various reasons for this:
Feeling that “I should be able to handle this”
A strong sense of duty or marital commitment can make asking for help feel like failing.
Protecting your spouse’s dignity
You may worry that involving others will embarrass or expose your spouse’s vulnerabilities.
Fear of judgment
You may worry others will think you’re not doing enough or are “giving up.”
Not wanting to burden others
You may avoid asking family or friends because everyone is “busy” or lives far away.
Minimizing your own needs
You may focus so completely on your spouse’s needs that you overlook signs of your own burnout.
Concern about outside interference
You may fear that reaching out will trigger unwanted involvement — assessments, suggestions of long-term care, or loss of control.
Hope that things will improve or stabilize
You may delay seeking support, thinking the challenges are temporary.
Lack of awareness of available services
You simply don’t know what help exists, how to access it, or what it costs.
Past experiences of being let down
If prior support didn’t work or wasn’t reliable, you may hesitate to try again.
Cultural, generational, or personal beliefs
Values around privacy, stoicism, or managing family matters “in-house” can make seeking help feel uncomfortable or inappropriate.
The payoffs of seeking help
All of these reasons are perfectly understandable. That said, there are compelling arguments for overcoming any hesitation you might have and reaching out for help anyway:
It can preserve your health and energy, allowing you to continue providing compassionate support to your spouse without burning out.
It also protects the well-being and safety of your spouse, since early assistance can prevent crises, reduce stress, and improve quality of life for both of you.
Involving others — whether that’s family, friends, or professionals — doesn’t diminish loyalty or love; it creates a stronger support network that shares the load.
Seeking help can also reduce isolation, provide practical guidance, and bring in expertise that most caregivers simply can’t be expected to have.
Ultimately, accepting support allows the two of you to spend more of your remaining time together in connection rather than exhaustion.
Where to get the support you need
Supporting a spouse with dementia is difficult enough without trying to go it alone. Be sure to tap into community resources – like the Alzheimer Society in your area – to get the support you’ll need to navigate the road ahead.
Visit the Alzheimer Society of Canada website for more information about living with dementia. There, you can link to your provincial Society to find out what programs and supports are offered in your area. If you are located in Manitoba, please refer to www.alzheimer.mb.ca
About Care Possible
Care Possible is a non-profit social enterprise by Manitoba Possible, dedicated to providing affordable, flexible, and preference-based in-home and respite care services. We support seniors, individuals with disabilities, and families using self and family-managed care in Winnipeg. Our mission is to ensure that every Manitoban who accesses care has an excellent experience.